Here’s the thing about feelings. Ignoring them doesn’t make them go away. Annoying isn’t it.
But there is something that does work and it’s so simple you’ll wonder why you’ve never tried it before – reflecting.
Reflecting feelings is my number one, gold nugget piece of advice I give every parent. Especially those who are struggling (and seriously, which parent isn’t at some point or another?) It’s a tried and tested, research backed approach that works wonders, and did I mention it’s simple to use?
So, what exactly is it, and how does it work?
Well, ultimately every person wants to feel heard, and children are no different. They want their feelings validated, and let’s be honest, children often have a lot of feelings to share! These big emotions can be overwhelming and scary to the small (and not-so-small) people in our lives. They can easily feel all-consuming and out of control.
To have someone see you in amongst all these big feelings, to validate them, to name them and give them space to exist is incredibly powerful. We do what Bessel Von Der Kok (2014) puts in precise words: “The critical issue is reciprocity. Being truly heard and seen by the people around us. Feeling that we are held in someone else’s heart and mind.”
There are no bad feelings, just feelings.
All feelings are acceptable, but sometimes the actions that come from them are not, and this is where we may set a limit.
It’s important to explain this to your child as without this context it’s easy for feelings of shame and guilt to take over.
When feelings are reflected with someone you know, love and trust, it is even more powerful. It helps the child to know they are important, respected and loved.
This also creates a sense of safety, both internally and externally as predictable responses and environments lead to feelings of safety and security.
Reflecting feelings is a really good way to diffuse a highly emotional situation. When a child feels any feeling and this feeling isn’t acknowledged, validated, or named, it usually escalates. In a desperate need to be heard, emotions increase until they can’t be ignored any longer.
Need an example?
Let’s say you and your child have been having a lovely time with friends at the park, and now it’s time to go.
You’ve given a five-minute warning to your child that you need to leave soon and now that time is up.
Only your child doesn’t want to leave. They start complaining and whining and generally becoming upset.
Reflect what you see (emotions) in your child, and that you hear what the child is upset about.
“I can see you’re feeling really (sad/mad/upset – name the emotion) and you want to keep playing” Then follow up with your concern/set a therapeutic limit, “but it’s time to go home as it’s nearly time for dinner.” And repeat.
And that’s it! I told you it was simple! It’s also incredibly effective. So why not add it to your toolbox of parenting strategies and give it a go.
References
Van. K. B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
