Our values are the invisible compass that guides our decisions, behaviours, and relationships. As parents, therapists, or anyone invested in fostering growth and healing, understanding and living in alignment with our hierarchy of values can profoundly transform our personal lives and the lives of those we support. Dr. John Demartini, a leading expert on human behaviour, and a personal student of his teachings, emphasises the importance of uncovering and prioritising our highest values to live authentically and create meaningful connections. This blog will explore the benefits of identifying your hierarchy of values, particularly in relationships and parenting, and provide actionable insights for applying these principles.
What Are Values and Why Do They Matter?
Values are the unique priorities we hold dear—the aspects of life we consider most important. They influence how we allocate our time, energy, and resources. According to Dr. Demartini, each individual has a distinct hierarchy of values that shapes their perception of the world and determines what they’re intrinsically motivated to pursue.
When we align our actions with our highest values, we experience greater fulfilment and purpose. Conversely, living out of alignment with our values often leads to frustration, conflict, and a sense of disconnection—both from ourselves and others.
The Impact of Values in Parenting
Parenting is one of the most complex and rewarding roles we can ever undertake. Our values not only shape how we parent but also influence the values our children develop. For instance, if you value education, you may prioritise activities that foster learning and intellectual growth in your children. However, if your child’s highest value lies in creativity, they may resist these efforts unless they align with their intrinsic motivations.
Understanding your values as a parent allows you to:
- Recognise and honour your child’s unique value system.
- Reduce conflicts by respecting differences in priorities.
- Foster a deeper emotional connection with your child by supporting their authentic self.
Values in Relationships: Bridging the Gap
Every relationship—whether with a partner, child, or colleague—is shaped by the interplay of value systems. Misunderstandings and conflicts often arise when there’s a perceived clash in priorities. Dr. Demartini’s framework teaches us that there are no true conflicts of values, only differences in perspectives.
By understanding your partner’s or child’s hierarchy of values, you can:
- Communicate more effectively by framing your requests in terms of their priorities.
- Resolve conflicts by identifying shared values or linking their values to yours.
- Strengthen relationships by appreciating and validating each other’s uniqueness.
How to Identify Your Hierarchy of Values
Dr. Demartini has developed a powerful set of 13 questions to help individuals uncover their true values. Reflect on some of the following questions:
- What do you spend your time, energy, and money on?
- What environments do you feel most inspired in?
- What topics do you love to learn or talk about?
- What do you visualise achieving most frequently?
By answering these questions honestly, you can begin to identify the themes and priorities that consistently guide your life.
Applying Values to Parenting: A Practical Example
Imagine a parent who deeply values order and structure. Their child, however, thrives in creativity and spontaneity. The parent may feel frustrated by the child’s disorganisation, while the child may feel stifled by rigid rules.
Using the values framework, the parent can:
- Acknowledge their child’s need for creativity.
- Create flexible routines that allow for both structure and creative expression.
- Link tasks (like tidying up) to the child’s value system by showing how organisation supports their artistic endeavours.
This approach fosters mutual respect and cooperation, reducing tension and enhancing the parent-child bond.
Unpacking Hidden Dynamics: Values and Family Systems
Our values don’t exist in a vacuum. They are often influenced by unresolved dynamics from our family of origin. For example, a parent who prioritises achievement may unconsciously carry the unfulfilled aspirations of their parents or ancestors. Recognising these inherited patterns allows us to break free from limitations and consciously shape our values to align with our authentic selves.
Benefits of Living in Alignment with Your Values
- Enhanced Self-Awareness: Understanding your values helps you make intentional decisions and avoid burnout.
- Stronger Relationships: By honouring the values of others, you create a foundation of respect and understanding.
- Improved Parenting: Aligning your parenting approach with your child’s values fosters cooperation and emotional connection.
- Greater Fulfilment: Living authentically reduces inner conflict and increases life satisfaction.
How Therapists Can Use the Values Framework
As therapists, understanding the value systems of the families you work with is key to creating effective interventions. Using tools like Dr. Demartini’s value-determination process, you can:
- Help parents align their actions with their values and their child’s needs.
- Support clients in resolving conflicts by linking their values to shared goals.
- Address generational patterns that may be shaping family dynamics.
Tools and Resources to Deepen Your Understanding
To explore this topic further, consider these resources:
- Dr. John Demartini’s Official Website: A wealth of articles, videos, and courses on values and personal transformation.
- Values Determination Tool: Available through Dr. Demartini’s website to help you clarify your hierarchy of values.
- Books: “The Values Factor” by Dr. John Demartini provides a comprehensive guide to understanding and applying values in all areas of life.
Video Recommendations
- The Value of Values: Dr. Demartini explains how values influence behavior and relationships.
- Parenting with Purpose: Insights into aligning parenting strategies with your child’s values.
Final Thoughts: Embracing Your Values Journey
Determining your hierarchy of values is not a one-time exercise but an ongoing journey of self-discovery and growth especially when going through a period of transition or when feeling lost and not sure what to do in life or you’re not simply feeling like yourself. As you gain clarity on your values, you’ll find it easier to navigate the complexities of life, relationships, and parenting. By aligning your actions with your highest priorities and respecting the values of others, you can create a life filled with meaning, connection, and fulfilment.
Whether you’re a parent striving to connect with your child, a therapist guiding families through challenges, or someone seeking personal growth, embracing the values framework can transform your perspective and open the door to lasting change. Start your journey today by exploring your values and unlocking the potential they hold for a more authentic and harmonious life.
