The COVID-19 pandemic and countless lockdowns are giving rise to some big feelings. Many of us are feeling overwhelmed and are unsure what to do with our emotions. How do we handle them and ourselves with care? How do we process it in a way that will preserve, rather than damage, our mental health?
Before I begin, I want to contextualise this piece by telling you that something came up for me personally this week, and the intensity of emotion caught me off guard. Like many of us, I have had no choice but forge ahead in the face of intense change and uncertainty. And with this sweeping tornado of change, I’ve not had the opportunity to take a step back, reflect and feel.
Nevertheless, this particular and seemingly trivial event triggered me and made me stop and take notice. Now I’m going to be brave and vulnerable with you and tell you more about these big emotions.
Let‘s first explore vulnerability and shame
Nobody explains vulnerability and shame better than Brené Brown, but bear with me as I do my best. Vulnerability is often seen as a weakness of character. However, in reality, vulnerability requires great strength. It takes courage to put yourself out there, to say you need help and to open yourself up to judgement and recrimination by individuals who feel that you should “just get over it”. As Brené so beautifully puts it:
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”
So I’m being vulnerable with you now, and telling you my emotions are a little unpredictable at the moment. However, when I openly shared vulnerability, some of the beautiful people in my corner subtly shamed me for feeling like I was struggling. They subconsciously tried to guilt me into avoiding these emotions, because of the uncomfortable feelings I stirred up in them.
I’m sure many of you have experienced this. For some people, listening to hardships and seeing their friends or family so exposed can be hard to deal with. Naturally, they want to try to make it better; maybe even try to talk you out of your “mood” or think of you as “negative”. Conversely, all you really need is someone to listen and to say, “You know what? I can see this is hard for you right now. I don’t have the answers but I’m going to sit with you so you’re not alone”. That’s it.
And that is empathy.
Putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and seeing things from their perspective – not how you think things should be. Reserving judgement and just sitting with that person in their grief or hardship. To do that, you must go to that place of vulnerability inside of yourself and feel what it’s like to be that other person. Many people will be uncomfortable with this process or find hard to empathise. But I want you to know that when you are made to feel shame, it’s not really about you.
Toxic positivity
After opening up and being vulnerable, I was confronted with the pressure of positivity and gratitude. Sometimes in your pain, well-intentioned people will try to get you to see the positives, look for the good, or remind you that you should feel grateful because some people “have it worse”.
Therapists refer to this phenomenon as toxic positivity. The American Counseling Association defines toxic positivity as the excessive and ineffective overgeneralization of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. It’s the idea that changing your perspective or mindset can change the situation and fix what you are going through.
The impact of toxic positivity
When people shame you for feeling a certain way or, guilt you into minimising your experience by asking you to look for the silver lining or, make you feel inadequate by asking you to remember those worse off, this is likely to do way more harm than good. Because what they’re asking you to do is to deny your experience of grief and pain and push it way down. Denying these authentic emotions and experiences may work for a while. Perhaps the pain may be able to be masked with other things like burying yourself in work or turning to alcohol, but I promise you it will come up somehow, sometime. With a vengeance.
Further, social media often presents this toxic positivity narrative. More so during this pandemic, we rely on social media platforms to connect. Whilst this is a good thing, it often comes with the pressure to keep up positive appearances, or to portray the perfect image online. There’s also countless memes about positivity, gratitude and a “good vibes only” mentality.
But toxic positivity is dangerous
Toxic positivity has a huge impact on those of us already struggling with anxiety, depression and other mental health challenges. Toxic positivity makes it difficult to open up to family, friends and co-workers. And for those of us that need access to professional support, it makes it difficult to reach out. This scenario can intensify anxiety and depression, leading to more serious consequences.
As parents, it is important for us to model to that there are no good or bad emotions. Challenges are great opportunities to reflect to our kids that sometimes feelings can change. Even though they may see you struggle from time to time, authenticity is key. When kids see that adults have positive ways of coping, they learn to feel secure and develop their own resiliency tool kit. As a therapist, I regularly draw on my own life experiences to reflect, empathise and convey unconditional acceptance to my child clients and allow a safe space for healing and growth.
My take home message is this: BE BRAVE
Choose vulnerability and connection. Don’t be afraid to feel. Don’t allow others to shame you or to minimise your experience. Remember that what you are going through is real and that your feelings are valid. Remember that you are not alone. The wonderful thing about putting yourself out there is that it gives others the courage to be able to do the same.
Sometimes circumstances are just ugly. That doesn’t mean things can’t and won’t change – they just may take some time. Positive, healthy change during times of grief can’t be hurried or forced with a change of perspective or a cup of tea. Sometimes, the only way out is through.
And as for the critics, Brené says it best:
“If you are not in the arena getting your ass kicked on occasion, I am not interested in or open to your feedback.”
References
Brené Brown, Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts.
Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
American Counseling Association – www.counseling.org
