When it comes to telling the truth, there is a fascinating gap between adults and children.
Adults often hide information, especially if it appears negative or harmful. Children, on the other hand, are notoriously honest (often to their parents’ shame!). They open up about their feelings and opinions regularly. So if we then consider the practise of protecting children from the truth, it seems counterintuitive. It’s not only a formula for mistrust, but it’s also problematic on a number of levels.
Why tell them the truth?
As far as I can see, there are a couple concerns at play here. First and foremost, parents are their children’s role models and examples of proper behaviour. More often than not, children learn by what they see rather than what they are told. “Kids will do in excess what you do in moderation, and do in moderation what you do in excess,” one of my educators once said. As an example, a child that witnesses their parent lie and may absorb the idea that lying is acceptable social behaviour.
Secondly, children are significantly brighter and more observant than we give them credit for. Children have a trust radar that stretches for miles. When an adult in their lives refuses to tell them the truth, it undermines the respect and trust of that relationship. Although children are quick to forgive, their memories of distrustful encounters persist.
Honest two-way communication is key
By having an open and honest dialogue with children, we can expand their world view and understanding of others. Children often witness challenging emotions of others, the processing of feelings, and discussions of tough or contradicting messages. They can see things in their everyday life that we don’t want them to be exposed to. Our instinct may be to protect children from these experiences by lying to them or not being truthful. But by doing so, we can actually confuse them and make it more challenging for them to understand the situation and the people around them. By being truthful even when the issue is uncomfortable (such as death, divorce, therapy, disease, and so on), we can show children how to process these experiences, and teach them that even when things are scary, they can trust you and rely on you.
Never make a child feel as though they don’t deserve to know the truth. Even if they have the best of intentions, parents who lie or mislead their children about their circumstances typically discover later that their children disliked being lied to or misled. When you tell your children the truth, you’re indicating that you expect the same from them – and that everyone deserves to know the truth, even if it’s not what they want to hear.
