Parenting is often viewed as an impossible task, especially with the constant bombardment of idealised images of the “perfect” parent. These images suggest that perfect parents never make mistakes, always know what’s best, and handle everything with grace. We see this narrative in books, on social media, and in parenting advice. But Dr. John Demartini reminds us that striving for perfection can actually hold us back from what truly matters in parenting: love, authenticity, and connection.
No parent can meet these standards all the time. Parenting is not about perfection; it’s about doing the best we can and learning from our experiences. Demartini believes that this pursuit of perfection distracts us from what’s truly important—supporting our children’s growth while maintaining a genuine connection.
The Heart of Parenting: Love and Care
Instead of aiming for perfection, Demartini encourages us to ask ourselves two essential questions:
- Do you love and care for your children?
- Do you want to help them fulfil what’s meaningful to them, based on their own unique values?
These questions shift the focus from external pressures to a more authentic reflection of our intentions. When we ask ourselves this, we realise that the true measure of success in parenting lies in love and care, not in perfection. If you love your children and support them in becoming who they are meant to be, you’re already a successful parent.
This shift in mindset not only reduces pressure but also fosters a deeper connection with our children. When we parent from a place of love, we create a nurturing environment that allows our children to grow and explore freely.
Parenting Through Our Wounds
Our parenting choices are often influenced by our past experiences, including our childhood wounds. Dr. Demartini suggests that our beliefs about “good” parenting are shaped by these unresolved issues. Sometimes, we project our fears and unmet needs onto our children. We overprotect them, hoping to shield them from the pain we haven’t fully processed ourselves.
But overprotecting our children can prevent them from learning the valuable lessons that come from facing challenges. Demartini advises that instead of projecting our own fears onto our children, we should focus on how past difficulties have shaped us. Every challenge we faced has taught us something, and by reflecting on this, we can stop imposing unnecessary limitations on our children’s journeys.
Healing our own wounds enables us to offer our children the space they need to face their own challenges. This approach nurtures emotional health and resilience for both parents and children.
The Balance of Support and Challenge
Every family dynamic is different, presenting its own balance of support and challenge. Reflecting on my own family, I saw how my parents had different approaches to parenting. My mother was cautious and overprotective, while my father emphasised the importance of independence. Both approaches had their value and contributed to my development in different ways.
The greatest growth happens when children are allowed to face challenges, but with the right support. Shielding children from every difficulty makes them dependent and hinders their ability to handle challenges on their own. But when children receive both support and challenges, they develop resilience and adaptability.
This balance is dynamic and varies based on the child’s personality and stage of development. What works for one child may not work for another, so it’s important to adjust and be flexible as your child grows.
It Starts with You
Parenting is not only about guiding children; it’s about leading by example. As parents, we’re the first role models for our children. When we embrace our imperfections, heal our wounds, and show resilience, we teach our children to do the same. We model emotional regulation, adaptability, and healthy responses to challenges.
It’s easy to focus all our attention on improving our children, but true growth starts with us. By focusing on our own personal development, we create a healthier environment for our children to grow in.
Avoiding the Comparison Trap
In today’s world, it’s easy for parents to fall into the comparison trap. Social media, in particular, amplifies this. We compare ourselves to other parents, often believing they have it all together. But Dr. Demartini warns against comparing ourselves to others. It can distort our perception and make us feel inadequate.
Instead of comparing ourselves to others, we should focus on our own values. Parenting is about finding our own path, not fitting into someone else’s mould. Demartini encourages us to embrace what is meaningful to us and to trust our unique parenting journey.
By letting go of comparisons, we build confidence in our own parenting style. This allows us to focus on what truly matters—loving and supporting our children.
The Takeaway
Parenting is a journey, not a destination. There is no such thing as the “perfect” parent, and that’s okay. What matters is that you love and support your children, guiding them through life’s challenges with resilience. Embrace your imperfections, heal your wounds, and trust that your parenting journey is exactly what your children need. By modeling authenticity and personal growth, you give them the tools they need to thrive.
No matter what you’ve done or not done, you are worthy of love—and so are your children.
