Children are developing capacity for regulation
Being able to regulate emotions effectively and efficiently is not an innate skill. A child’s capacity to manage their big emotions relies on their brain development and their experiences. In fact, it is so complex that it can take the brain years to fully develop to make space for the connections and skills that are involved in this desired capacity. And this is important to know. So many of us want help to teach our children ‘how to regulate and manage their emotions’. Whist they DO have the capacity to learn how to do this, just like learning any new skill – it takes time, practice, patience and perseverance. Co-regulation can help children to do this. It gives children the chance to observe and practice these skills.
We need to practice regulation and co-regulation
Like a child learning piano or the skills to swim, we cannot simply enrol in one term of lessons, turn up to the half hour practice session each week and be expected to proficient – that would be approximately after just 5 hours. To be able to gain the most from learning, the experiences need to be positive, consistent and repeated – many many times, and that is constant, deliberate practice. You only need recall a skill you have learned and the effort that this required to be able to resonate here.
Thankfully, emotions are constant. Therefore, we have endless opportunities to practice and develop emotional regulation skills – often multiple times per day.
Practice helps children develop their regulation skills
So, how do we get from flaming hot mad, or wailing and flooded with tears – to be able to politely tell someone “I don’t like what you’re doing” or “this is making me sad or mad”, and take ourselves away from the situation to have some deep breaths?
Practice. And we do this through the wonderful process of co-regulation. If a child has seen all emotions be expressed clearly, and has a role model who can consistently demonstrate what to do in the face of big emotions, then they will learn what they can do for themselves.
As an adult in a child’s life, as a support person, a role model and a part of their team – it is our job to give them as many opportunities to experience the pathway to regulation.
The best thing about co-regulation, is that it targets a human’s inner needs to connect and feel safe . It allows us to modulate a dysregulated nervous system, and return to engaging in s socially appropriate way to find enjoyment in the activities and interactions one participates in.
What is co-regulation?
Co-regulation is a process in which the adult, or role model, meets a dysregulated nervous system of a child right where they are. The adult does not swoop in and save them – or tell them to essentially ‘not feel that way’ – but holds them, in their calm, listens to their needs, and together they journey back to a place of control, and more pleasurable or enjoyable emotions.
There are so many wonderful books available to teach and expose children to attune to their sensations, and emotional needs. Kids can then learn to identify their emotions, how to express them and how to manage them. However, experiencing this first-hand, by having adults to support them in the moments of the emotional rollercoasters – is more beneficial than anything.
So, start with first regulating yourself. To do this, you need to recognise your own bodily sensations, and listen to your body – maybe read some of those books with your kids (see below for a few recommendations).
First, tune in to your body and your emotions
When own nervous system may be ‘under threat’ and moving away from the ‘in control’ regulated state – notice the bodily sensations that you have. This might be clenched jaw, strained voice, tired or wide eyes, racing thoughts, heavy breathing, scowling, tight muscles etc. In these moments, tune into your own body and remind yourself that you are safe – perhaps find someone (or a beloved pet) you are able to connect with/be with, and that you can then calm yourself by trialling different strategies. For example, taking some deep/long and soothing breaths (extending the exhale), have a sip of water, a cold shower, name what you can see, hear or feel close to you, or do some star jumps or give yourself a big squeeze – to re-centre yourself and connect with yourself. If the ‘threat’ that has caused these responses is still too big (e.g. screaming/yelling from your child) then first give yourself space – find distance – go for a walk, take yourself into the back yard, or your bedroom – time out in this sense is a good thing.
You need to know what different emotions look like, sound like, or make you feel like doing – identify them and build your awareness of how they feel and look in your body. Then, you can learn what they need – what you need. You can learn to express these clearly, then regulate yourself through a range of strategies such as those above – likely the same ones you tell your kids to use. If you can go through this process, then you can be in a state to share this with your child. You will have the confidence to know that you can habitually model this, and support them in the way they need – through co-regulation.
The process of co-regulation
Next, you’ll be ready to co-regulate. Practice verbally communicating with your child what you can see in them just the way you did in tuning into yourself. This helps to build their connection to self/their body sensations and identify their feelings. Focus on what you see “I am noticing your legs are really twisting up, they can’t stay still because your body is feeling so nervous/angry/frustrated” – not in a blaming or shameful way, but noticing – with curiosity and openness.
You then start the next step of sharing your calm, it may be that they need you to sit close/taking deep breaths together, offering water, rubbing back, etc. Do whatever it is that supports them to calm their nervous system – and this may be different for everyone – but ensure that you are regulated yourself at this time. We want to “share the calm”. It is only once they are back in that regulated, and controlled state when you can then ‘problem’ solve together. Because first we need to give the energy and time to the emotions present. Because a dysregulated nervous system isn’t reasonable or logical – it is deep in an emotional storm.
So, as you can see – co-regulating is a skillset in its own that we may need to practice and learn, but importantly it is a process – and one you can practice alongside your child. It is less about teaching them how to regulate, and more about supporting them to co-regulate. If you can put more energy into co-regulation, the child’s capacity to regulate will occur naturally.
Seeking extra help?
As always, if you need some support on where or how to begin – reach out to us at the Play Therapy Hub. We’re here to help, and we want to be a part the team round your child – to help them to reach their full capacity, for you to feel empowered and confident in your own abilities to support them in their journeys.
Additionally, here are a few of the wonderful books available to support you, and your child, to learn to attune to self, to identify emotions, and to practice strategies of co-regulation:
– “When I’m feeling…” series by Trace Moroney
– “Listening to my body” by Gabi Garcia
– “A world of pausabilities, an exercise in mindfulness” by Frank Sileo
References
- Dana, D. (2020). Polyvagal Exercises for Safety and Connection: 50 client-centered practices. New York: W.W Norton & Company.
- Kent, H., Cooper, G., & Powell, B. (2017). Raising a Raising a secure child: how circle of security parenting can help you nurture your child’s attachment, emotional resilience, and freedom to explore. New York: Guilford Press.
- Siegel, D. J., & Payne Bryson, T. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam Books.
