Supporting children through grief and loss and can be particularly difficult. Sometimes in our own pain, finding the words may be hard, or feelings may be too confronting to face especially when we are grieving with our child too. Children are particularly vulnerable to grief because they have a more limited view of the world, and depending on their developmental stage, may not have a sound understanding about the permanency of death.

There are some things you can do to support your child in their grief, while still honouring the need to journey through your own.

Be factual and age appropriate

Although it is not necessary to go into detail, sticking to the facts helps to process events and circumstances and provides children with a sense of security in knowing that you are being transparent. Try to avoid using analogies like “they are sleeping”, since this could create additional fears around bedtime and does not help your child in understanding the finality of death. However, if you are religious or spiritual, then talking about your faith and your beliefs around what happens when you die, can help create a sense of comfort.

Empathetically allow all your child’s feelings.

Create a warm, non-judgemental and accepting space for your child to feel comfortable enough to share big emotions. Attune to your child’s feelings and needs by paying attention to their verbal and non-verbal cues. As parents, we instinctively want to shield our child from pain and try to make things better for them. However, when feelings are not properly validated, emotions can often become bigger as they need somewhere to go. Help your child to make sense of their emotions by making sensitive, reflective statements about their experience. “You’re so sad right now and it feels overwhelming. It’s so hard to say goodbye to someone we love.” Let your child feel that you care and understand.

Let your child know that it’s okay not be sad all the time

Likewise, it’s ok and normal to hold many emotions, both difficult and joyful, at the same time. Little people often feel a sense of guilt for experiencing happiness after someone they love has died. Support them to know that you can still experience joy, even at the saddest of times and model this for them by accepting and allowing yourself moments of joy as they arise and naming this for them.

Be congruent and authentic

It’s necessary for your children to see you grieve if you yourself are struggling with grief and loss. Children instinctively know when we are hiding our true selves and even though we may be well-intentioned, this can increase their anxiety. It’s important to be mindful of overloading them with adult-sized feelings and if you are feeling overwhelmed, acknowledge this to your child and take the time you need to re-centre before coming back to them. But absolutely do acknowledge that even though you are feeling sad right now, you will be ok.

Invite your child to think of a way to pay tribute to their loved one

Depending on their age, this might be writing a letter, creating a special box to store precious memories and photos, creating a photo journal or book, or finding a way to commemorate a special, shared place. If your child doesn’t want to do this, that’s ok. Accept, allow and honour where your child is at. Just let them know if they wish to do something special, they can.

Share stories about grief and loss

Stories are a nice way to connect with your child physically and emotionally. Pick a time that is free from distraction and choose somewhere that feels comfortable and safe for your child, where you can spend some time cuddled up together. Picture story books that discuss themes related to grief and loss, like the Invisible String (Patrice Karst) or The Goodbye Book (Todd Parr), can open up the conversation. Picture books and stories also provide a safe enough distance to explore and process big feelings through the characters and events in the story.

Remember to go gently on yourself too.  Losing a loved one is never easy, and the grief doesn’t just one day “disappear”. But over time, the space around the grief grows, so that it becomes easier to hold.

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