It can be tough, those first few days at kinder, day care or school drop offs, especially when your child is crying and not wanting to let go. Separation anxiety can be seen as a normal part of early childhood. Sometimes it can be a child’s way of communicating. Telling you that they want to hold onto what is safe and predictable in their world. Usually as children develop, learn and grow they may feel more confident and secure in themselves and their relationships to separate more easily. There are many ways that parents can ‘be with’ their child in these uncertain moments. Offer opportunities for growth and connection to process and cope with these big emotions.
One way to offer support is validating the child’s feelings and experiences. When parents say “you are feeling so sad” or “this is really tricky for you”, the parent is conveying they understand. That they accept the child’s emotional experience. As parents validate the emotion/experience the child has the opportunity to feel understood. This supports the child to better understand their emotions.
How can you support your child?
Another way to support the child is developing and sticking to a routine or ritual during the drop off period. So that the child can predict what will happen next. You may start small and choose the most challenging time of day and create a routine. Create a step by step map. You can make a list or a visual board. By creating structure and consistency, the parent can promote safety and security for the child in their new environment. For example, engaging in the same steps before you leave like putting their bag and drink bottle away. Saying hi to the teachers, kiss and a cuddle and even choosing a special place to say ‘goodbye’.
Gently encourage your child to separate from you by giving them practice slowly. It’s important to provide your child with positive experiences of separations and reunions. Avoiding separations from your child may escalate the issue. When the child’s distress is escalating it is important for yourself or another adult to first co-regulate the child. This means helping the child to regulate and calm their stress by offering soothing reassurance . Once the child is beginning to sooth, connect with the child through empathy. This could be validating the child’s feelings so they feel seen, heard and understood. Once the child is calm and connected, this is the time to use language and logic (depending on the age). You may articulate that they are safe. That they love playing with their friends at kinder/school and you will pick them up in the afternoon.
The key thing about co regulation is
Regulation in the nervous system occurs when we become consciously aware of ourselves. It is not always about being ‘calm’. We regulate to move towards the intensity of feelings that are uncomfortable or too much and not to get out of it. It is about learning how to reconnect to yourself to become more mindful of your experience so that you can manage the intensity that occurs inside you. It is learning how to manage the energy of your dys-regulated states and to teach children how to do the same through modelling. The child will then watch their parent manage their emotional experience/dysregulation as a way to learn how to do it for themselves.
Being self regulated means being mindful and aware of self in the midst of the dysregulation. In a moment of regulation, you can think clearly, you can make a conscious choice, able to notice your breath, able to feel grounded, can speak clearly and have a felt sense of experience of being in your body. A feeling of being connected to self. It is knowing that you are bigger than the feelings or the emotional experience.
Understandably, these situations can be extremely tough. Parent- feelings of guilt, anger, helplessness and anxiety may emerge. If you are experiencing these emotions is it important that you take some TLC for yourself. When the child’s separation anxiety is long lasting and is beginning to interfere with their daily life or your family’s daily routine. It may be time to seek additional support from a professional. Play Therapy is an evidenced based method of counselling. It can support children and families with separation anxiety, please contact The Play Therapy Hub on 0412 189 398 for more information.
References:
- What Regulation Really Means by Synergetic Play Therapy Institute
