Does this sound familiar?
“Now those chips are hot. Give them a minute to cool.”
Next minute, screaming.
“You ate the chips didn’t you, why didn’t you listen to me?”
One thing that unites all parents is the struggle to get children to listen. Whether you’re trying to ensure physical safety or teaching valuable life lessons, one thing is certain – they probably don’t want to hear it.
If you’ve ever heard yourself echoing the voice of your own parents by saying “I have told you 100 times!” or “how many times do I need to say it?” let those words be your internal stop sign. It is not your child that isn’t listening… it’s actually you.
This isn’t an attack on parents – far from it – and is more of a miscommunication between the parent and the child. Let us explain.
Your child is telling you by their indifference, defiance or apathy that your message doesn’t resonate with them. There may be any number of reasons for this, but one way of moving forward could be considering how you would communicate with an adult. Say you were explaining something to a friend but they didn’t understand or just flat out weren’t listening. Would you keep repeating yourself? Would you use threats or incentives? Or would you stop and consider how to express it another way? Maybe you would draw a diagram, or do a quick YouTube search. My point being, you would try another way.
Children have a developing brain; they understand language differently and they reason and think differently. This means, at times, using words isn’t going to best way to get through to them.
Play is the language of children. We can use it to communicate with them. Through play it’s possible for both the adult and child to listen to each other on a much more meaningful and effective level.
So, lets rewind. The chips are still hot… this time lets use play to communicate
“I am a hungry swooping seagull!… mmmm some delicious chips, think I’ll swipe a couple for my lunch!”
Your child is likely to engage with this invitation to play and whip the chips away saying ‘No they are mine!’ or they could allow you to swipe one, at which time you could put forth your best Oscar winning performance of the seagull with the burnt mouth (channel the end of Wombat Stew for inspiration). You will have their full attention. You will have communicated the chips are hot. And you will have given them a developmentally appropriate way to be successful with the challenge of waiting for them to cool, because they are able to play instead.
Sometimes play is hard for adults. We are tired. We might feel self conscious or just doubt our own play abilities. It may be helpful to reflect on how playful your own childhood was. Did your parents play with you? If they didn’t, of course this may feel harder for you. You are writing a script to a show you have never seen. But it is still worth giving it a go and here are a few suggestions to get you going:
- Be silly. Pretending to be something or someone is always a favourite. When you are pretending you can get away with so much more than when you are Mum or Dad
- Speak through a toy or a puppet
- Make it a song
- Tell your message in the form of a story. You can even act it out with figurines if you are feeling really into it.
- Funny voices, broken volume knobs on your voice box, sudden repeated forgetfulness of the English language, or literally whispering into tiny ears like your message is a precious secret
- Suggest a competition or speed challenge
- Follow the leader (modelling what you want them to do)
- And finally, embrace nonsense. I can’t tell you how many nappy changes I got through with my toddler by putting a clean nappy on my daughter’s head instead of her rear end
If you are still feeling unsure, you can always consult the guru… Bluey. Those cartoon dogs really have the playful parenting down pat. Also, episodes are only seven minutes long. Even adults can listen for that long.
Need advice?
Play Therapy Hub is a co-operative of independent, qualified and experienced Play Therapists in Melbourne’s inner north. We will continue to see existing and current clients during the Covid-19 Pandemic as well as offering counselling, parent education and support via telephone and video.