So you’ve heard the words gentle parenting. Maybe you saw it on the news, heard it from a friend, or read an article about it on your phone. It’s become a well-known phrase lately and we’re seeing it gain popularity across social media, and in our everyday lives.
When we hear gentle parenting, we may have many different ideas about what that means. Some of us may assume it means giving kids free reign, whilst others may think it’s focusing on emotions too much. Some of us may just turn our noses up at the thought of doing something differently to what we have always known.
I’m going to clear that up for you, and explain what gentle parenting actually means, and why it may be a good idea to think about implementing some gentle parenting practices with your kids.
What actually is it?
In short, gentle parenting focuses on understanding, respecting and empathising with your child, whilst implementing appropriate boundaries and necessary consequences. Note here – consequences does not mean punishment.
There is a misconception that gentle parenting involves no boundaries and let’s children ‘get away with anything’. This style of parenting, with a lack of boundaries, is actually called permissive parenting. Permissive parenting is associated with lower emotional intelligence in children and in turn, lower personal growth (Wiscerth et al., 2016).
Now let’s get back to the foundations of gentle parenting (also called respectful parenting, authentic parenting, mindful parenting): understanding, respect and empathy.
I think most of us try to treat adults with these three key values in mind, so why should it be any different with kids? Children have feelings and opinions just like anyone else. By considering these in our interactions with children, it doesn’t mean that children have control of everything, or we do whatever they would like. However, we consider the emotions and needs behind their behaviours, and where appropriate, we give them the opportunity to meet these needs.
How does it help my kid?
Gentle parenting is based on the idea that children don’t actually have the capacity for self-control like (most!) adults do. Their brains are simply not developed, or matured enough yet (neuroscience tells us this) to cope with the influx of feelings. Children then “behave” a particular way to help themselves deal with an underlying need or sensations caused by the feeling or emotion. Punishing the ‘behaviour’ is like reading a book by its cover; gentle parenting looks deeper within the child.
By focusing on understanding and empathising with them, we are building children’s regulation skills and emotional literacy. We are helping them to recognise emotions in their body and what this feels like for them. When we use logical consequences, we are teaching them what happens when they engage in certain behaviours, and helping them to understand more about themselves and the world around them.
So what does it look like?
Let’s consider a few of examples and how these could be approached with gentle parenting.
Your child just hit their brother to try and get the TV remote from them. You might say “I know you really want to choose the show right now and you’re feeling frustrated that you don’t have the choice, but you cannot hit your brother. Once his show is finished, and if you choose to ask nicely, then you will be able to choose the show.” It might not always work, but when it doesn’t, we sit in that emotion with the child.
Your two year-old wants to pick up dog poo, and starts to get upset. When she is still calm enough to hear you, you might say “You are so curious about that dog poo, and you’re really upset that you can’t have it. We cannot play with dog poo, but one thing we can do is play with the mud over there. Do you want to play with the mud together?” If your child continues to get upset, you continue to empathise and co-regulate with them, and still hold that boundary.
Your seven year-old is in the middle of a full blown meltdown, screaming and crying and lying on the floor. In this state, your child is probably not going to hear you so you first want to co-regulate with them (see our blog on this here). When they are more regulated and receptive, you may acknowledge how they were feeling, and take a guess at why they were feeling it. For example, if they didn’t want to go to school today: “You’re really not sure about going to school today, it feels really scary and you’re just not sure what to expect. Do you know which bit you’re not sure about? What can we do to help you feel like you can go in to the classroom.” If the child still doesn’t want to go to school, you could say ‘If you choose not to go to school today, you choose to stay home with no screentime today. If you choose to go to school, you choose to have your screentime in the afternoon, like you usually get after school.’
As parents we often want to save our children from painful, or uncomfortable emotions because we often don’t know how to cope with them ourselves. Having feelings, whether it be happy or sad and everything in between, they are what makes us humans!
This sounds really hard… I don’t know if I can do it?
That’s because it is hard! It’s exhausting and challenging, and sometimes you just don’t have the time or patience. Of course, no one can be a gentle parent all the time. And this is okay too – you’re human! No one always gets it right all time. The good news is that you only have to ‘get it right’ about 30% of the time, to have a positive effect on your kid’s development. If you would like some additional support in parenting and supporting your children’s emotional development, please contact us today.
References
Wischerth, G. A., Mulvaney, M. K., Brackett, M. A., & Perkins, D. (2016). The Adverse Influence of Permissive Parenting on Personal Growth and the Mediating Role of Emotional Intelligence. Journal of Genetic Psychology, 177(5), 185–189.
