What is a rupture?
The term rupture is used when speaking about connection between adult and child, where one party feels hurt and disconnected from the other person. An example of a rupture would be when a child is told no from a parent who is setting a boundary, and the child becomes upset and angry.
So I can’t set boundaries?
Absolutely you can! Part of parenting and even therapeutic practice is setting safe and appropriate limits. The world exists with limitations, and as a parent it is part of your role to role-model appropriate and safe behaviours for all children.
I feel like my child does things to purposely hurt me…
More often then not when working with trauma that is connected to attachment and experiences of disconnection with a parent, will we hear that parents wonder whether children hurt them on purpose. The complex answer unfortunately is yes and no. Children, like all humans are needs based creatures. When children do not have words for their experience, they do something to create what we call ‘the set up’.
The set up (coined from Donna Berry) is the process of setting up a scene to create an experience. An example of this might be a child is playing quietly and then out of know where they create a HUGE noise that scares you half to death. The child may then continue to repeat this pattern. The set up would be that feeling of safety you might feel right before the big scare. The experience that the child needs us to understand, to feel and to know, is feeling frightened and shocked.
But Ash, I don’t like it, can we make it stop?
In the words of Freud ‘children are destined to repeat experiences until they understand the experience’. Van der Kolk (2015) referred to this as something called ‘being destined to repeat’. In CCPT we use this knowledge to understand that the children will continue to create set ups until not only we understand and share their experience, but they create new meanings and narratives to trauma. Through presence, empathy, unconditional positive regard and authentic connection, the child can feel heard, felt, and understood, creating new experiences and meanings leading to a reduction in behaviours.
Where can I learn more about rupture and repair?
At the Play Therapy Hub different therapists have different skill sets, but a few things you can do are:
- Book a time with a CCPT therapist and speak about connection
- Enter into one of the PTH Filial Therapy experiences, including our upcoming Flourishing Families Course
- Do some research on activities that help spend quality time with children
- Experiment! Spent time one on one with your little ones and see what works
References
- Maslow, A. (1951). HIGHER NEEDS AND PERSONALITY. Dialectica, 5(3-4), 257-265.
- Rogers, C. (1992). The processes of therapy. Journal Of Consulting And Clinical Psychology, 60(2), 163-164.
- Van der Kolk, B. (2015). The body keeps the score.
