It’s five minutes to eight and you have less than half an hour to get your 4-year-old daughter off to kinder and make it to work––which is 25mins drive away–– in the rush hour. Miss four has decided she wants to change her outfit and is standing in the hallway stark naked except for a pair of rubber boots.
You snap. Start barking at her about the traffic, the kinder teacher, your schedule, the fact that blistering heat is forecast for today and no she can’t wear her woollen jumpsuit because it’s not winter.
But she just stares at you, woollen jumpsuit in a pile on the ground next to her and a single tear running down her cheek. She’s not stressed about the traffic or the heat or the kinder teacher, and definitely doesn’t know what a schedule is. So why is she upset?
She’s stressed now because you are stressed. The difference is, she has no idea what it’s all for.
Sound like a familiar scene to you?
Let me share with you something you probably already realise deep down yourself. Being angry at a four-year-old because they don’t understand adult concepts of time and tardiness and traffic is futile. All you’re doing is fuelling the fire and creating more negative interactions that lead to a negative relationship.
As a parent or caregiver, they look to you to be their emotional container or regulator. You’re a major source of emotional growth for your child. But her healthy emotional growth won’t come if a scene like the above is your go-to reaction. So how can we change this scene?
It may be time to consider Conscious Parenting.
Conscious parenting is a concept binding ancient eastern beliefs and western psychology. It’s a philosophy that requires the parent to be mindful of their influence on a child and attuning ourselves to our calm centre within us.
A big part of it is attuning ourselves to our calm centre. As well as removing our own (unattainable) expectations and guiding with support, rather than ideals. Lessening the disciplinary approach and applying clear boundaries. Recognising unmet emotional needs in your child and responding with kindness. Recognising your own emotional triggers and not off-loading your adult fears and expectations on your child. Sounds easy? It’s not. It takes self-awareness and hard work, sometimes with the support of a professional. And it takes time and practice.
For instance, recognise what happened above, are you angry at Miss Four because she’s learning to express herself through her clothing, or are you angry at yourself because you don’t have the time to spend working through this expression with her? Are you upset because you have to work, and you hate traffic? Check yourself.
Surely there’s a better way to handle this situation.
In almost every interaction with a child, we can tap into one of the key principles of Child Centred Play Therapy for guidance. And that’s “empathy”. Along with some principles of conscious parenting, empathy is a tool that would better navigate scenes like the one above.
In almost every interaction with a child, we can tap into one of the key principles of Child Centred Play Therapy for guidance. And that’s “empathy”. Along with some principles of conscious parenting, empathy is a tool that would better navigate scenes like the one above.
Applying conscious parenting principles to every day parenting is foremostly about keeping check on your own behaviours.
For one, monitor your language. Are you being unkind, insensitive, or impatient? Perhaps your tone is disconnected. Can you replace it with kinder language, something more encouraging, and empathetic?
Check your expectations. Are you expecting a four-year-old to understand and help with an adult situation? Is it her responsibility to adhere to your schedule and help you to beat the traffic, or is she acting appropriately to her developmental age––simply trying to meet her four-year-old expectations of getting dressed?
And a real eye-opener for parents is facing your own self-regulation. Check your triggers. Are you in control of your demeanour? Can you keep calm despite your child’s reactions (which are developmentally appropriate)? It’s vital you remain composed, hold your ground, stay level-headed––even when your child has become irrational.
Brené Brown––a huge advocate for conscious parenting says,
“Who we are is a much more accurate predictor of how our kids will do than what we know or understand about the science of parenting.”
Remembering, your best influence on your child isn’t coming from planned and focused parental expectations, your reach for parental perfection, your striving for your own grasp of your child’s potential. Believe it or not, none of that will do a thing, because the truth is, your child is learning from your actions, not from your expectations.
It begins with you…
In all situations: Be calm. Be composed. Be kind (to yourself and your child). Be gentle. Be empathetic.
Be present.
Children are also being shaped by the relationship they have with you. Your interactions, the time you spend together, the way you communicate. Is your child going to remember what you helped them achieve––things they didn’t even know they wanted? Or are they going to remember how they felt when they were with you and the moments you shared?
Part of my mission at PTH is to help promote Conscious Parenting and share the limitless benefits of this transformative way of thinking. Because as a parent or caregiver you are one of the biggest influences in your child’s early life. It really matters who you are and what you believe about yourself as much as it does everything you strive to do for your child.
Want to learn more? Book a consultation with one of the trained therapists at Play Therapy Hub to discuss how your everyday interactions with your child can be more positive. Avoid the daily struggles, bring more calm to your household, and build an influential relationship with your child. It’s a much easier way to beat the traffic!
