Boundaries and rules are often considered as the imaginary or invisible lines that separate us from something. In terms of relationships, they can even be seen as the restrictions and limitations on our wants, desires and capabilities… which our independent self is likely to challenge!
So, why do we have them?!
Boundaries and rules are necessary for a harmonious home life, and an effective positive parenting strategy for raising children. They provide structure, containment and a safe place for all to feel respected and appreciated. They also hold us accountable for our actions by helping us to avoid potential conflicts through teaching us consistency and responsibility.
Setting boundaries and rules for kids
We know boundaries can be emotional, physical and even in a digital/electronic means – for example, time spent on iPads/phones, hellos/goodbyes to visitors and family dinners.
The list is endless and boundaries will be different for every family, although what is required to be effective is the same: Clarity, consistency and confidence.
- First, choose your limits with any other significant person in the family home. Write them all down on a piece of paper.
- Understand why you’ve chosen these limits – because you will be asked – and if it’s not clear to you, it’s unlikely others will follow it.
- Collaborate with the family so that everyone can have the shared responsibility and be held accountable. Ideally strike when the iron is cold to have effective participation and clear understandings shared. Remember to listen to each other as everyone will have their own perspective. Be open to understanding what they are communicating and support them to find a place for their thoughts/personal boundaries.
- Display your list/pictures in a creative and positively framed way. Try to keep it short. General house rules can be grouped under statements such as “treat everyone with respect” as this can then include the tone of voice/words and actions that may be considered disrespectful to an individual which can then be listed beneath.
Setting clear boundaries and rules will give you and your family clarity, and empower you to be confident and consistent. You can now be guided by the containment of the house rules and be assured that you’re doing what’s best or what’s needed within any given moment, especially within those heated or threatening outbursts. If you have a strong foundation, there will be less work for the reinforcement and follow through.
Maintaining boundaries and rules in the long term
Of course, nothing is set in stone. From time to time we may need to model our own flexible thinking and capacity to adapt to change if/when needed. However, in terms of keeping the rules/boundaries in place there must still be clear limits.
“All feelings, desires, and wishes of the child are accepted, but not all behaviours are acceptable”
Landreth (2012)
Landreth’s (2012) Limit Setting formula offers a wonderfully clear and easy to follow reinforcement. It also supports the understanding of the right-to-right brain connection that is often needed when an individual is pushing the boundaries/limits and no longer thinking logically or with their left side of the brain (Siegel and Bryson, 2011).
How we ACT
A – Acknowledge and convey acceptance of the child’s desire, want or motivation:
“I can see your body is really needing to do some moving, you’ve got a lot of energy!”
C – Communicate the limit – keep it minimal and clear
“The table is not for jumping on”
T – Target acceptable alternatives. This is where you can teach them more appropriate ways to express that need.
“If you need to use your feet to do some moving, you can choose to jump on the trampoline or stomp on the cushions”
Remember – nobody’s perfect!
Children often feel safest and most comfortable in their primary relationships. It is within those relationships that they’ll be able to express themselves fully – you’ll get the good, bad and ugly. As parents/caregivers, you will naturally see and be tested to survive, manage and support them through the best of the worst behaviours, tantrums, and meltdowns. You will be pushed and tested yourself to follow your own rules and boundaries.
So when you make mistakes – because as a human likely you will – remember that it’s okay. The key here is to repair the damage done, remembering you are a role model (Hoffman, Cooper, & Powell, 2017). Be genuine, apologise and acknowledge what’s happened by explaining calmly why you might have broken the family rule. For example, you might say, “I know our family rule is not to shout, but when you grabbed the knife I was scared you would hurt yourself and I reacted quickly to keep you safe…I will try not to shout again unless it’s because I’m really worried like that.”
Just remember, if you act with positive intention, the rules and boundaries within the home do not need to be considered as a negative. They will create an atmosphere and environment for respect, empathy and good listening skills to be developed. They are there to keep everyone safe.
The strategies described above, are only some of many, and it is possible that they may not suit your family’s needs. If you’re after more support always reach out to your health care professionals for guidance. To speak to one of our specialised play therapists here at Play Therapy Hub, request an appointment for an obligation-free chat at a time that suits you.
Resources:
- Kent, H., Cooper, G., & Powell, B. (2017). Rasising a Raising a secure child: how circle of
- security parenting can help you nurture your child’s attachment, emotional resilience, and freedom to explore. New York: Guilford Press.
- Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play therapy: The art of the relationship (3rd ed.). New York: Routledge.
- Siegel, D. J., & Payne Bryson, T. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary
- strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam Books.
- VanFleet, R. (2005). Filial therapy: strengthening parent-child relationships through play
- (2nd ed.). Sarasota, FL: Professional Resource Press.
- VanFleet, R. (2012). A Parent’s Handbook. Building Strong Families with Play (2nd ed.).
- Boiling Springs, PA: Play Therapy Press.
