Looking through a different lens
Challenging behaviour is a clue that a child has an unmet need. A child’s behaviour can be seen as a form of communication. Think of a child’s behaviour as an iceberg. At the tip of the iceberg what can see is the child’s words and behaviours. For example, you may see behaviours like hitting, throwing toys, crying, hiding or yelling. At the bottom of the iceberg is what we can’t see, that is the child’s feelings, needs and internal experiences.
As parents, support worker and teachers, children’s behaviour can really challenge us as individuals. It can be really difficult to be curious about why the behaviour is occurring. If we begin to be more curious about what is underneath the behaviour, we are more likely to address the cause of dysregulation.
How we respond makes all the difference
When parents, teachers or support workers respond to dysregulation by addressing the behaviour only, what usually happens is the behaviour escalates or continues. Whereas when we respond to the unmet need which is underneath the iceberg, the behaviour usually decreases. For example, you may observe hitting, pushing, biting or even throwing toys. What could be addressed first is acknowledging what we don’t see like lack of social skills, inability to communicate needs, lack of felt-sense of safety, not feeling good enough, jealousy or even lack of self-esteem.
“To obtain a bird’s eye is to turn a blizzard into a breeze”- Incubus
With this new perspective comes empowerment, a new sense of responding to big feelings, emotions and behaviours. Awareness is the first step. Noticing when behaviours and emotions pop up throughout the day for your child and how this makes you feel. Be curious about what could be bubbling up underneath the behaviour.
Understanding that behaviours are a form of communication can be the golden key that turns a big emotion (that can at times seem like a big stormy thunder cloud) into a breeze of fully accepting the child, their emotions and feelings and having knowledge and understanding of why and how these behaviours are happening.
